2020 never actually ended for me, and I am still stuck in its grip. My new year will have to be 1st Feb, because I am not ready for the 20 something days of 2021 that have passed. It will all come together, I suppose. - I lost someone to the virus, someone so close to me that I am angry just thinking about it. - I have a new notebook, filled with overly idealistic project plans and drafts (this happens every year). - I (finally) moved in with my partner and our home is a happy one (there are always baked goods). - Every day I get an In Remembrance email from my university. - I got pretty much everything I prayed for last year, but it just feels like a magic spell that came with a price. - I now have to romanticize studying or I will never do it. Cue the rainy Hogwarts library ASMR videos and colourful post-its. - I am trying to use my hatred constructively. - I have a few creative writing projects going and I feel purposeful. As always, my door is open. iy :heart:
i. sometimes i write your name
in rainbow crayons on the walls. sometimes
my room smells like you and sometimes
i can't stand this silence
you've left me with, because it's
a cold silence, the kind that
sneaks into my blood and leaves me
empty.
[fact: i still miss you.]
ii. dreams like this are made
to make me lose my mind;
the vibrancy and the details
are so realistic,
but what happens, isn't.
because you're still here,
and your arms are around me
(and they feel so real,
oh my God, they feel so real),
but i know that you're
gone.
[fact: i wish i could forget you, but
what would i think about then?]
iii. sometimes i wond